Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
