broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
