Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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