I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
