the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
