maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
