This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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