It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
