saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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