The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
