the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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