does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
