We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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