I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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