My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
