Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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