i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
