I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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