Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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