Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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