ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize