Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
