Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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