and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
