god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i don't like sucking hair
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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