my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize