i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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