I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
