My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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