is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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