Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
