I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
