guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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