I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
