I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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