god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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