I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
