i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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