I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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