Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm so fucking centered right now
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
