He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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