i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She bit a glass in half.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize