Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
