I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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