I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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