until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
