I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
