i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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