I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
