just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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