she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
