gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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