I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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