There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
