you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
