if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
