i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
