Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
